Alton Carnage

the delay in update is largely due to me being in Cornwall for my brothers stag do and Scotland for my new job

being continued 'men' of leisure, me and S decided on a trip to Alton Towers

dc had come back from his air traffic control training down in Bournemouth so joined us. He even treated us to one of his trademark emo shots. he looks emotional

the weather was toilet

we didnt do too bad considering we abandoned the RAC route planner. our mild incompetence got us through



we thought they were giving poncho's away and so called the seller over from halfway across the carpark. then he slapped us with a £5 pricetag. not literally

after this go finished, we all confided that we were watching the same teen angel in a grey top. she was a hot prospect for the future

I was hoping the jet would be sprite (at worst 7UP) but alas it was still water. I got it in my mouth

this was the best picture I could get of AIR

to capitalise on how wet we were, we went on the wettest (and quietest) ride there and didn't actually get as soaked as expected. dc announced it was his favourite ride


we scoped a fat lazy women in a poncho reading in a chair. she genuinely would need to spaces on most rides

then after some food we went to the haunted house

most of the decor wasnt scary with the aid of flash photography

its like a shoot em up through the house. S clearly spotted he was losing and claimed he was shooting the wrong things. he beat me, but not dc

S looked like an unhappy disabled man on the swings

and dc was bizarrely scared of the swings. " I dont like any ride without a harness" was his justification. So he gave us an emo pose instead


this photo is of the rollercoaster: Rita- Queen of Speed, but I missed it cos its so quick. and I'm shit

after Rita, we tore some Dino Derby in us. The child in charge of the game was a bit retarded

me and dc played

I didnt do too badly ( I was Dino 1)

then onto Hex

dreamy

it wasnt scary, just disorientating

we went on Oblivion a few times

missed opportunity no.2

submission made S go the colour of puce. dc closed his eyes so made the ride pointless for him

missed opportunities no.3

the girl got her tongue stuck on her poncho button

dc wouldnt go on this one either. It was scary, but mainly from a health & safety perspective


this was pinball wizard. I would have shown you what it looks like, but why abandon my niche?

it was the biggest queue (or as tolstoy says 'que') which was a bit odd. it even had a little game alongside the 'que' to keep people occupied

if you got a hole in one on this, you won a car

dc said it had rained so much that the go-kart track had flooded

shotgun home was decided in a game of 'find my car'. I couldnt be happy, and allowed my competitiveness to get the better of me so I found it myself

hometime

weather started to clear up when we left. It was a clear case of CBH



dc had a catnap


I got my lech on in the service station with a slavic girl

'that smells like rotting flesh!' (Heavy Weekend: 4/4)

the morning after and we went looking for scouse marc. He was nowhere to be seen-we knocked on his van and he was sleeping in the back like a gypsy

this is his toilet

everyone left bar me gilkes and pove so we had some roast chicken and banter

I wasnt enjoying the czech cheap lager everyone was on

Gilkes left it too late to get back tonite and started to shit himself that he was gonna get sacked. He was getting a lift into the airport by Liz instead

pove was a bit dead and was hoping his bro Si would pick him up. That fell apart so he boozed with us (like he needs encouraging!)

talking of dead, he gave us a good impression of Anthony H Wilson

I impressed everyone with my spanish for where is the disco, coupled with Moz's little red corvette dance

it was nice in Rammo but we were too busy boozing

we got a taxi to the Hare & Hounds

luckily no small talk was involved, otherwise I would have feigned sleep

good restaurant


much banter was had

there was a reason for this photo, but I dont remember

Gilkes kept farting. Such was the stench, that liz felt the need to move to a seperate room

it had reached mike by this time, but not the couple playing on the quizzer

I thought it smelt like death

this was the couple on the quizzer- they moved that far away from the quizzer, such was the stench

mike tried to explain that it wasnt him, I dont know if they believed him or not

poves reaction tells its own story

I used a lot of sign language this weekend-most of which made pove piss himself. this one seems to be the intercourse one

my throat was on fire all weekend so Gilkes took a photo to diagnose me

bandwagon

bromance

disco dave

as a treat I let him sport my cowboy boots. In return I had wear his pair of shitflickers

next pub

controversy

think gilkes was trying to rescue his job

we talked about religion and carnage, but tightened up shortly

darn in one!!! darn in one!!!

I stumbled down the high street for some cash

slow week at the Bury Times

chinese was bought- I got beef green peppers (ugh) and black bean sauce with extra onions

pove got sweet n sour i think

A Licky Boom Boom Down (Heavy Weekend: 3/4)

the next day I had my brothers BBQ to attend. I rang Pove up and he was in a sorry state so I picked him up

he was a bit grim. much much worse than me. I suggested we pop into The Railway in Ramsbottom to see how he coped with a pint. He struggled so much that I beat him AND he gave me the remainder of his pint. I have to tell you reader that my day peaked right there

Pove had the shakes (quelle surprise) but was more concerned about keeping his shades on. His eyes were reminscent of Danny in Withnail & I

Bagnall & his other half Sue. Affectionately known by him as 'mucker'. He was gulping cider, but it looked more like Irn Bru to me

'team sleaze'

Sam soon turned up with his other half

this is her (I'm not sure who took the photo- either Walshy or Bagnall)

controversial

this shot was orchestrated by Bagnall and his missus in a sort of Hindley/Brady partnership.Sue took a picture of Walshy in order to get a revealing picture in the background.It is good craft like this that Tolstoy would have been proud of

mike's work crew shifted out into the Coronation St style alley

me and Bagnall mixed light banter with light flashing.However my camera work is so poor that the 'nipslip' is barely caught

this is Diane, from 'yakshir'. She got destroyed in a very Yorkshire way

mike's music was going down well. I was too busy tanking the cans in a vain attempt to keep up with Pove to take these shots though. Credit has to go to Mr Walsh for a good 50% of this entries snaps

I've got no idea what she was dancing to, but I'm gonna say it was Freek Me by Another Level

meanwhile Diane was getting-as they say in yakshir- 'reet drunk'

luckily Mike was at hand to slug his red wine and elp diane from hitting table ou fallin ower

She wor properly 'ammered

sam and kay left- Sam wasn't boozing cos he had been hammering it all week

Gilkes (I believe) went out and about with the camera for a scope. Some were outside witnessing Diane spewing-shame because she seemed sound enough

he got some covert snaps in

game over

I got into some scrapes with Gilkes and cut both of my elbows

emotion

mike seemed to pepper his music mix with songs that sent Pove into some sort of Indie Breakdown

Gilkes wore my Sharpe jacket again and managed to rip a button off in a moment of homoerotic posing

luckily my dire camera skills saved you from seeing a mans sexual organ to the left of this picture. Pove joined the Sharpe Jacket Club-maybe I should set up a facebook group for members

Scouse Marc made a very understated appearance at the bbq

so did Liz's brother

after a while the crew was mobilised and went off for some karaoke carnage

Liz was destroyed and gave a sulky Alan Partridge style look to some people leaving the pub. I had to endure Mr Gilkes exposing himself for a good portion of the walk there

when we got there mike had beaten us-he'd gotten a lift from P Bags and mucker

Asleep? Or choosing a song?

Me and Bagnall sang a breathtaking version of Snow's 'Informer'. There is video footage but I am yet to upload it to youtube. It basically consists of us singing only one line throughout the whole song- 'A Licky Boom Boom Down'. He also insisted that I sat on his knee whilst he bobbed me up and down for the whole song. I think it added to the performance because Ramsbottom seemed blown away

Gilkes gave us his trademark rendition of 'Jolene'

This man/women gave us an insight into unisex hairstyles in the 1980's. I gave Bagnall the camera to work his magic whilst I concentrated on Cheeky Vimto's

his work was largely cleavage based

true romance

mike hit the mic

anthony did Usher. Me and Bagnall did 'hit me with your rhythm stick' but I was too pissed and didnt know any of the words. During our performance, repressed locals peppered it with cries of 'fucking homosexuals' and 'queers'. I wasn't even dressed androgynously so they should be grateful I saved their blood pressure

more of the bagnallian oeuvre

caught


I became transfixed on this game for a while, but only worked out who was playing the morning after

the bar ran out of Blue WKD's so the barmaid offered to make me a 'surprise cocktail'. All I know is, it tasted of wrong and contained a lot of white wine

Gilkes hit the sambuca rounds a lot and burnt out his card. He also bit into my sunburnt arm, so I responded by biting his finger to the bone. Things got a little crazy

hometime

on our return, me and Walshy ate rice from the pan with our hands like little African kids

before bed, I went for a scope and saw these two outside- Scouse Marc was contemplating sleeping outside in the rain

Andy Townsend (Heavy Weekend: 2/4)

So after getting back home, me and S trudged our way into alty to get the bus into town. Jobber was to meet us there, but me and S were feeling pretty knackered by the time we got to the bus station

luckily a picture of Garth Crooks made me perk up a bit on the bus

it was Sarah's 21st, so she decided to spend it with us in South. You can't really tell from this photo though

this one is better. I still have not managed to to fully capture the whole of 'South' on the ceiling. I think that is because I am a shit photographer

these two had been to Alton Towers for Sarah's birthday. Martyn looked like he'd caught the sun

It was a toss up between 42's and here, but Golds sold it to us by saying he was bringing some girls from work

we got in dangerously early. Still £5 in though

the two women were doing their usual lesbonic dancing to an empty club until some drunk clowns came up for a bit of banter. Think they were barking up the wrong tree though...


I gave the camera a look of contempt that would rival S

it did start to get busier

we stuck on the cans of XXXX


there was still no golds though. S and jobber switched onto dark rum and cokes. I was being a good boy cos I had a bbq to attend the next day and didnt wanna be battered in the morning


finally Golds arrived. with no women, he brought a sausage fest along instead- a couple of his disgruntled mates from work

this bird either had a large arse, or shouldn't be wearing those kind of dresses. We couldn't work it out

they announced on the dancefloor that Tony Wilson/Anthony H Wilson had died. I wasn't that arsed though- he was rude to me once when I had to serve him and his teen angel daughter in Mobberley

golds was properly fucked

but he still got his sleaze on. She looked pretty sound, albeit as leathered as him

on the dancefloor, someone mistook Martyn for industrious midfielder, Andy Townsend...

this man couldn't be happy though


jobber got covered in drink like a big spaz. Again

I got two birds scoping me, but was too sober to do anything. One of them was a mature as well, but the semi-validation was enough for me

Meanwhile, Golds was lone wolfin' it- but he was too drunk to be successful and was pinging about like a pinball on the dancefloor

more spillage


I left early to check Golds hadn't run off, but he was ok. He forgot to get some girls number after being a bit rapey and then tried to kiss Martyn. Sarah wasn't happy and chased him up and down the road. All in all, a night low on carnage & banter really

Third installment of the weekend to follow in a few days

Blackpool Pleasure Carnage (Heavy Weekend:1/4)

Me and S decided to go to Blackpool for the day, with us both being men of leisure n all

I had my lunch on the go like some sort of indigestion maverick

It was a smashing day for it

it seemed that petrol is popular on days like these

S was in charge of the camera on the way. As you can see, his capture of the Blackpool Tower was pretty dreadful

we headed straight for the Pleasure Beach



me and S both realised that we wear the most overdressed people there- we looked more like we were out on the razz than to have fun on rides

this ride was good, but awfully short. Infusion is its name

we went on most rides, Big One included (Valhalla was shut though)

'Pleasure'

Blackpool was riddled with overweight jocks and scousers

this ride was a disgrace. Its more like the retarded cousin of the Black Hole at Alton Towers

the queue was bigger than that of the Big One, and we surrounded by shoddy 80's space get up

I refused to go on the Steeplechase though, much to S's amusement. I think being hurtled around on a plastic horse with nothing but a thin seatbelt is asking for trouble

however this trip was a learning experience for me. I learnt that S hated the laughing clown and rock...

but loves fresh donuts...

so much so that he was starting to threaten me with violence unless we went for some. We were served by a nice slavic guy with the name of Viktor

after the donuts we decided to go on a ride that looks like a handheld food processor. It was a huge mistake

luckily the nausea wasnt too bad, so we embarked on a walk along the prom, stopping in a shop that would see Tolstoys legs buckle on scoping what they sell


basically lots of psycho weaponry. Maybe its to cater for the jocks?

why not buy a complete Samarai Warrior outfit on your holiday? I like the white moustache they added for historic accuracy...

we got some food from Mac D's and S pointed out somewhere for moz. I got some aniseed rock and promptly fell in love with eastern european serving me. S couldnt be happy for me and bought fudge off her. She was a real dreamboat

I'm tempted to turn this picture into a postcard

Its a delightful place really. Sun Sea Sand

some arcade carnage was had

S enjoyed himself on Afterburner, and then I tanked him on the dancemat before we headed back for a night on the razz

S pointed out that Mahoney from Police Academy had started up his own electical business in Blackpool

luckily his camerawork stayed constant. I asked him to photograph the Windmill but he couldn't be happy for me

we listened to Japanese ballads, Spinvis and Matthew Marsden's seminal work on the way back

End of part one. More to follow...

Super Carnage

metrolink unhappiness meant we can't get to town as easily as we normally do

Tolstoy was up though and was looking forward to a night billed as 'Super Carnage' due to the amount of people out. All this for a Smiths/Morrissey night...

the crew was split- most went to town via the bus, but me bigman and tolstoy decided to get the train in from Navigation Road


luckily this was the Chester train

our train was at 19:55 and it would get us into Piccadilly for 20:30. For some bizarre reason the 20:00 train got you there for 21:00, but I suppose thats karma for not getting there 5 mins early

this isn't a train. This is a bus. The 19:55 to Piccadilly didn't show. Nor did the 20:00 to Piccadilly

so we got the replacement Metrolink bus service instead. I read the Metro paper whilst bigman and tolstoy had family banter

it dropped us at St Peters Square, so bigman got some bunse from the shop across the road, then we hailed a taxi to get us to the Star & Garter in time

luckily we caught up with the rest of them outside

the two men most likely to say 'alrite, gay'

I didn't realise that some of the crew had been boozing prior to the meet up. In fact moz had sunk a load of doubles and mixers according to someone. He was also dressed like he was going for a jog, unlike his usual androgynous gear

me golds and karl talked about Golds' chat up line which involves conjuring up a laugh out of thin air, walking up to a girl, then putting your arm around her whilst maintaining the laugh. Apparently there is more to this technique but me and karl had a breakdown, it made us cry like little girls

upstairs bar-nage

getting a serleeeze on

battle of the blogs

this idiot refused to have his picture taken all night. Then put his hand in front of the lens when I wasn't taking photos of him

He disappeared at around midnight. Me and tolstoy had a bet- I said Moz would dissappear by 11pm, but tolstoy got it right with a midnight shout. Well done Tolstoy!


these two made the most effort with Sarah's friends, who joined us. I probably made the least, but I'd also lump jobber into that category

bigman for some reason chucked some of his drink on jobber. Jobber reacted in a way I expected him to, that is, he didn't react

up we came for some dancing. Tolstoy found a kindred spirit in Sarah through their lack of smiths knowledge. This was a surprise, because Tolstoy's opening comment to her was explaining 'wolfbagging'. This he says, is where you fill a condom with shit, and then you use it as an instrument for anal sex. Unsurprisingly, sarah didn't want to speak to Tolstoy again after that.

after lots of goading, I plucked up the drunken courage to chat up catface but was crushed

this helped numb the pain/further my spiral of depression

I stood next to Golds as he tried to order "double dark rum & carnage" but I can't remember if he said it to the barmaid or just to me. I do remember walked away shaking my head in disbelief though...

I got the call to leave by someone but I was busy chatting to a girl with a fancy first name and a cute slavic face so I went back to hers instead. Golds' expression was a combination of disbelief and anger. I'm gonna call it disbelanger

before we got into the taxi and to her swish apartment bigman apparently tried to derail me. So much so that she hated him. But her balcony view was aces

we watched a bit of big brother live, and she spoke some Russian to me. I was impressed

turns out the next day I had to leave at 08:30 or something rediculous like that because she had to do a webchat in Japan. I was still a bit wrong in the head but luckily we both share an affinity for Vitamin C tablets! unfortunately though I still felt like a piece of loam
a bit of fresh air helped me but I was going under. turns out she is a famous writer, albeit a cute and humble one

this normally makes me throw up as we normally go here after Smiths/Morrissey night, but I didnt wanna tempt fate by going for a breakfast. If Gordon Gecko from Wall Street says 'lunch is for wimps' then I say 'breakfast is for queers'

I decided to get the train to Hale, but there wasnt one for a good hour so instead I went to get the train to work cos they're every 15 minutes. Which was a bit like the intervals for me going under

this drink didnt help me

looking down at the Star & Garter didnt help me

on the train I sang Bronski Beat in my head. Did that help me? nope