epicly carnage: Wedding Reception

so after the church and some coach banter, we got to the reception venue which is a TA camp and was where the Krypton Factor assault course used to be held

we crawled past some minefields and then for some reason the coach driver allowed these two to walk in front of us like a funeral procession

on arrival we were greeted by these two. They looked like touches, but in fact they were pretty cool

snarl

the legend that is David Mennell managed to swing by for a few pints before having to scoot back to Yakshir

Lucas 'Big Guns' Palk and Leanne

sasko was there with his squeeze

they also had a magician and juggler to keep the rabble entertained

I went outside for a bit a witnessed a real man at work....

Dave swatted a wasp out of the sky and then stood on it whilst the rest of the lads around shrieked and squirmed

after hitting the tiny bar and listening to the tunes we were seated and had hotpot food carnage with red cabbage

it was nice to see Gilkes getting fingered, rather than the other way round

they had little wedding cake toppers in the style of the bride and groom

they even got the brides mole which was cool

I decided to be a social butterfly and went to Bagnall and Carls table. Bagnall's missus mucker said she was concerned Paul would leave her for me, such is his obsession with me and my antics

access- DENIED

Steve gave me his dangerous pose...or should that be опасный seeing as the man speaks the tongue of the communist

me and Pove went to the bar only to be engulfed in this man's fury

Dan came across like he'd completely lost the plot...he had managed to insult two lesbians on his table to such an extent that they left the reception

sleaze

anthony and his missus. He gave me permission to take a downblouse shot but the quality of my photo was poor, even for my low standards

the new Alpha male and his missus

just before speechtime, Bagnall couldn't be happy for Carl so he spilt a whole glass of red onto him...

Carl looked like he was steamin, but then he realised it was only rented so he could be happy again

father of the bride was up first

crotch shot

and a stirling job he did too- it was well put together, and he even managed to mock the groom

the groom was next, and he regaled us with his happiest moments. One of which was getting a new kitchen fitted. Life in Ramsbottom eh?

senor Walsh batted well and laughs were had. Ricey got mocked for the stag no-show and I got mocked for looking like Russell Brand, but some people thought he said Russell Grant so I cant work out whats best

cake carnage was next. Unfortunately Epicly Carnage wasn't given exclusive rights for the wedding so inaccurate long distance shots will have to do

first dance (click to play the tune)

then we all spilled onto the dancefloor for some of the gayest tunes around. All the grooms choice of course...

a few were Dave Povey trigger tunes though. With the design of hearing the man say 'this is an absolute tune'

meanwhile back at the bar, cousin Stuart gave one of his kids some tough love/a beating. Its character building if anything...

Steve and his Soviet wife- счастливая пара. (Стив, если Вы можете прочитать это тогда, Вы - гомосексуалист )

Big Guns had an upset stomach from his holiday so was hitting the rennies in a big way like Shaun Ryder

we didnt need indigestion tablets though cos we were high on life/booze

I put in a tune on karaoke and these two drew up chairs like a couple of X Factor judges in anticipation

(click to play)

for some reason everyone was dancing to it

there was a badly underused chocolate fountain knocking about

most people were dancing to the cheese though

Bagnall wasnt. He was having problems with his stomach and wasnt very well. Anybody would think this was being held in Mumbai with the amount of upset stomachs knocking about

I was cousins Sean's guardian for the night cos his family went home

I did what any guardian would do and encouraged him to get his sleaze on. me and him got dancing with the hired guns. They were absolute dreamboats, but they couldnt dance for long because they were getting evils from 'the management'. proper CBH

Ricey was dressed like a tory, complete with a David Cameron haircut

it started to die down, and then the hardcore element turned the dancefloor into a 'danceoff'

Brownhill was firmly involved

so was Dessie. he was, in his words, 'frickin steaming like'

special needs/carer

carer/special needs

I gave up on the dancing and hit the top shelf

and as I was at the bar Dan was running around the edge of the reception area like a fucking madman

I actually think he might be a madman cos there was very few people there

it wound up so we got a coach back to the hotel and sang the church songs all the way. Me, Brownhill and Des were driving it on- it was the cleanest coach banter ever

we got into the hotel bar and there was a drunk teenangel. I got some banter going with her but was warned off her by the Queen because in her eyes she was a 'whore'. That same 'whore' ended up getting rattled by Dan the madman back in her room whilst her younger brother was asleep in the adjacent bed...