Reconnaissance

as mentioned on the previous post, the next day I was off to Scotland to scope my new pad

we made our way up through the Lakes

luckily I had the Worlds Worst Person with me, so nothing could go wrong...

apart from a smoking back wheel that is. I spotted it and pulled over into the service station. Fucking karma.

not even my sat nav could help matters, so I rang the Oracle (r kid) and he put me on the right track

whilst waiting for the breakdown service, I read the paper and had a coffee with S outside. The fingers of doom on the pic were for...

this dreamface

her face is looking more skeletal by the day. She still gives me the horn though

the cavalry arrived!

I couldnt be happy for proceedings

S could

the guy had to take off the wheel and then screw it back on cos it was too tight. I had a service that morning but I didnt realise it was done in the wild west

eventually we got going and were only about 2 hours behind schedule

we knew we were across the border when a load of oddly named places cropped up

I dont remember falling asleep at the wheel

our B & B was quite nice

it had all the mod cons...

it was a twin room so I avoided any 'floor sleeping tactics' from the WWP that he uses to trick women into sleeping with him

me and S got ready to go out, and he gave a nod to the EpiclyTolstoy blog with this mirror snap

we walked blindly into Ayr, not knowing where to hammer

River Ayr

theyve got a mint Wetherspoons that used to be a church in the town centre

we pumped a load of bunse into the quizzer

my camerawork managed to miss our name on the scoreboard

after a load of vitamin G's we left spoons then got cat calls from some girls on the street. We were too scared so we scarpered...

we found some indie pub

we combined boozing with match of day carnage

booze...booze...booze...

I got us both on the vodka/water's

around midnight we went upstairs to the club. It was pretty dead so we got some banter on with the cloakroom girl and helped her do a wordsearch till it filled up

it eventually filled up with low self-esteemers

me and S got sharked by some birds. he got cock blocked by some jealous guy she worked with. Can't be happy?

this bird loved me

so did this 'guy'. He kind of looked like a girl with a beard but with breath that smelt of lies. It was awful, but I just used him as a pivot and sent him out to find women for me in the club whilst S was sleazing on the dancefloor

me and S called it quits and went for a subway

along the way we spotted this. I dont know if they mean southerners as in English, or southerners as in cockneys so was unsure whether to like the advert or not

next day we checked out of the B&B and I added Les Chegwin to the guestbook

I went to scope my new house. It was quaint, with the interior like a grandma's house

this is my room

I live five minutes from the sea

journey home

congestion

"Do you know what I was watching the other day that made me laugh? The Special Olympics"

Back to civilisation...and back to 'normal folk'

well...I say normal. Moz was wearing such a tight top, the buttons looked like were threatening to burst the camp badboy wide open

We went to Font first. This is a photo of S/The Worlds Worst Person (WWP) announcing in Font:

"Do you know what I was watching the other day that made me laugh? The Special Olympics"

The WWP has still got it...it never left him...

no prizes for guessing where we went. Well, maybe a prize if you are blind or illiterate. And then the prize would be a guidedog or some education

I once spent a good part of my night stood here getting phone signal to direct an Argentinian bird who was out to see me. Turns out, she couldn't be happy for me and never appeared. I blame the Falklands dispute

Apart from shapeshifting like on this pic, I was 'taking it easy' on the booze cos I was driving for four hours the next day to Scotland

I did what any normal humanbeing does when they have to drive to Scotland and jumped on the double vodbull bandwagon

Jobber's 'dangerous' pose took it to a whole new level of danger...

Moz's Cuban Heels were not getting the recognition they deserved

they were putting my cowboy boots to shame

the wheels were beginning to fall off for us binge drinking swines ...

I went the route Moz normally takes (and he did that night as per) and tore some water in me

another of Moz's movesets on a nightout was him cracking open some music on his mobile

Him and Jobber were listening to Prince

we managed to hijack some seats, but this somehow turned into a pile-on

stack heel carnage

he looked like he had the feet of a child

a girl on another table with teenangel knickers and pigtails appeared to be getting sleazed on by a guy with a moustache. The man must be a fashion maverick

after more booze we let this newly single man loose on the womenfolk as he attempted to pillage and plunder on the dancefloor

beardage

they were playing motown type stuff so we clearly went the night we normally avoid

Karls hairy chest was the most alpha thing in the place

then we spotted an absolute dreamboat

I tried to use my skills to capture her beauty

I got distracted with some Tolstoy/Bagnall influenced snaps though...

dreamy

pointy shoes

S got mobbed...they must have known about the Les Chegwin group on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=5385875196)

he enjoyed getting violated

well maybe not. Turns out they were after the Worlds Worst Person's nipples

he necked her. I went over to help him by skanking on her potential cock-blocking mates but he didn't need it

for some reason we got all confused and went to the cloakroom early to get our coats. Then we realised in our pissed state that noone wanted to go home

flocks of people come to The Venue to stand under its state-of-the-art dancefloor lighting

for some reason they cracked on a bit of Led Zep. Me, Moz and S were loving it

Jobber gave the tune a Bigmanesque shrug with some Princey flamboyance thrown in

then Moz's workmates joined us near the end. She's the one to his right but I managed to miss her. He told Jobber that he needed to get away from the girl cos he'd already used his chatup line of 'whats the time?' a good 6 or 7 times. In retrospect, maybe he should have used his line on strokeface behind him...

this was his mate. He was wearing some sort of superoutfit

Double McDonalds belts is standard issue for Jobber

but they couldnt save him in his state so we called it quits

'Subway is the new Kebab as the end of a night out' Discuss.