"Give me my keys back!"

I thought i'd chronicle a whole night ala back home. Ive added the song of the holiday also. It should work (although Ive never put songs on before)

ill start with my crack den bedroom for the holiday

me and orders were getting ready and sleazing on the teen angel across the street. that was the only scope in the place- it was like a retirement village round here

whilst the girls got ready i got ready to cry whilst watching Watership Down. its the perfect movie to get you motivated for a night out


we got a taxi into Alicante, but the taxi driver had started the meter at €12 so me and orders were going nuts. it cost us €30 in total and we didnt even get dropped into the centre of town

they had some sort of traditional procession through the town


Spanish tv must be pretty low on ideas if they have live coverage of such an event

they even had a crip in the procession but i missed him


i went arty and took some dreamy photos through maggies necklace

after watching that, we went to get some food, but I could sense that frenchy, gulla's bird, was gonna throw a tantrum about where to eat. I had already decided that if she was gonna be a dick about it then id just go to mcdonalds, and pray they were dishing out belts. Her face sums up her whole time with us...

we went for paella at like 12, and frenchy wasnt happy, but we forced her to eat there

it was pretty awful, and so we went to an ice cream bar. I had possibly the worst choice and ended up with everything i hate on- vanilla ice cream with nuts and cinnamon on. I was going nuts. I went for a slash in the parlour and two hookers burst into the mens toilets. I couldnt be happy for them so i pissed on the seat to spite them. CBH

after that we went to a square with loads of bars, and bunped into the fat scottish birds we had met nearly every night since we´d been there. id managed to piss most of them off by insulting them, but they seemed to have forgotten that. Frenchy decided to spit her dummy out and demand that gulla go home, but he wanted to stay out so she left with the key
the jocks and in particular the alpha female jock, decided that we were all going to a gay bar. me and orders werent happy, and we busy getting denied from spanish fitties in the bar

it seemed to be a reservoir dogs themed gay bar, with some tunes from the film on as I remember. It was a shithole with a mens toilet that was no more than a buggery room

so we engineered an early exit but unfortunately we were lucking for a club at like 4am and everywhere was closing

you knew they were closing for two reasons- the streets were rammed

and SBM´s were on the prowl looking for drunk vulnerable women

we couldnt find anywhere so we decided to go to swing- a 70´s decor club that i got destroyed on vodka waters in the other night


it was pretty rammed, but that photo disguised the fact that the place was cock heavy

i did what i always do in such situations and got some serious binge drinking on the go- they were classed as one shot but they looked like quadruples. i was gagging on the dancefloor they were that big

when i came back to the group i saw that orders was getting his sleaze on- so i helped gulla chat to some birds in the only way i knew in spain- by saying ´guapa!´a lot. he did well, but petered out so i went back to the bar for more vodkas

another massive vodka later and orders had another bird on the go- I was severely lagging. But that was the vodka's fault. this girl was swedish so i gave her my 'guapa!' line, then asked her if she lived near Gavle. she loved me after that, and i regaled her with my tale of how the love of my life lives there, and that i am a broken man since she left

meanwhile gulla was destroyed and decided to tuck his socks into his trousers on the dancefloor

it was about 7am now, and we left 2 and a half hours after gulla said he wanted to leave. Me & Maggie were going nuts because he just disappeared for an hour, and then insisted we waited whilst he chatted to the alpha female jock. For a solid half hour I was just blocking eurosleazes trying to get into Maggie

Eventually we left to sunshine outside, and orders decided to try his luck with the swede. He said if he doesn't get back to the flat, then he would meet us at the airport

We went to the taxi rank and some drunken nutjob with his cock protruding from his jeans was in the queue. I amused myself by asking if I could put my hand down the big titted jock bird, and then asked if I could take her to the carpark to bum her. It was an indecent proposal, but she didn't look like Demi Moore, she looked more like a fucking disgrace. After I got more bored I bit a huge chunk out of her newly acquired wicker hat

the women antagonised the pyscho guy and we got a taxi back, forgetting that gulla had to drive frenchy to the airport for her flight at 9am. it was now 8am and she would need to check in by 815...

Gulla wasnt taking any blame for his dallying for 2.5 hrs in the club, but when we got there she left us a note- never to be seen again...

I got into bed at half eight, and orders came back at half ten, having got nothing from the gypsy looking swede and falling out with a taxi driver. so he did a tolstoy and walked all the way back to our place

this was no dc embellishment, and the guy even took photos chronicleing his retarded decision to walk a trek back home

In conclusion, the whole night started late and went awry. It was a bit like a night out back home. Happy times...