Andy Townsend (Heavy Weekend: 2/4)

So after getting back home, me and S trudged our way into alty to get the bus into town. Jobber was to meet us there, but me and S were feeling pretty knackered by the time we got to the bus station

luckily a picture of Garth Crooks made me perk up a bit on the bus

it was Sarah's 21st, so she decided to spend it with us in South. You can't really tell from this photo though

this one is better. I still have not managed to to fully capture the whole of 'South' on the ceiling. I think that is because I am a shit photographer

these two had been to Alton Towers for Sarah's birthday. Martyn looked like he'd caught the sun

It was a toss up between 42's and here, but Golds sold it to us by saying he was bringing some girls from work

we got in dangerously early. Still £5 in though

the two women were doing their usual lesbonic dancing to an empty club until some drunk clowns came up for a bit of banter. Think they were barking up the wrong tree though...


I gave the camera a look of contempt that would rival S

it did start to get busier

we stuck on the cans of XXXX


there was still no golds though. S and jobber switched onto dark rum and cokes. I was being a good boy cos I had a bbq to attend the next day and didnt wanna be battered in the morning


finally Golds arrived. with no women, he brought a sausage fest along instead- a couple of his disgruntled mates from work

this bird either had a large arse, or shouldn't be wearing those kind of dresses. We couldn't work it out

they announced on the dancefloor that Tony Wilson/Anthony H Wilson had died. I wasn't that arsed though- he was rude to me once when I had to serve him and his teen angel daughter in Mobberley

golds was properly fucked

but he still got his sleaze on. She looked pretty sound, albeit as leathered as him

on the dancefloor, someone mistook Martyn for industrious midfielder, Andy Townsend...

this man couldn't be happy though


jobber got covered in drink like a big spaz. Again

I got two birds scoping me, but was too sober to do anything. One of them was a mature as well, but the semi-validation was enough for me

Meanwhile, Golds was lone wolfin' it- but he was too drunk to be successful and was pinging about like a pinball on the dancefloor

more spillage


I left early to check Golds hadn't run off, but he was ok. He forgot to get some girls number after being a bit rapey and then tried to kiss Martyn. Sarah wasn't happy and chased him up and down the road. All in all, a night low on carnage & banter really

Third installment of the weekend to follow in a few days

"Same again please?"

On friday I drove to S's house. Outside was a fire engine. I thought him or bigmike had caused a chip-pan fire or something
turns out that it wasn't a fire, but was the transport for the welly road prom. Everyone knows that Limos are for queers

S brought snacks for the car journey to fallowfield. and karl rang up to pull out the nights proceedings
S took a picture of Altrincham's answer to the Eiffel Tower whilst I got my stuff together for the weekend
Team Changed Men

on arrival at jobbers, him and his bro were playing on the Wii. Bowling to be exact. We had a few goes on that, then headed out

before we went, we needed to work out where Club South was, because everytime we look for it, it takes us ages and then we give up and go to 42's instead.

me and S hadn't eaten much so we nipped into Sainsburys. S couldn't decide what to have, but eventually plucked for a wrap

I went for sushi rolls, but that was a huge mistake

sushi in a restaurant yes. Sushi on a bus no...

S mocked me for it

S is such a changed man that he treated jobber to a packet of premier league stickers. It was like 1995 all over again...

it was an excellent selection. Kieron Courtney Dyer...

Matty John Taylor

Adrianus "Arjan" de Zeeuw

Alan Ross Farley Stubbs

and last but not least...Emile Ivanhoe Heskey

eventually we got off the bus at St Peters square. But it was pissing it down and we had to trek to deansgate

there was no way I was allowing my locks to curl up like a little girl so I put my coat over my head. Like a little girl.

I had the last laugh because those two were drenched by the time we got to the Ape & Apple

we got involved in some quizzer carnage, but it was the shittest quiz machine in the world. It had games that would have been embarrassing on the old Spectrum

Club South. We got in early, and it was a fiver in.

I panicked at the bar and ordered warm cans of XXXX. It was erm, dreamy?

after a while we abandoned them and went onto our staple diet of vodka straight/water chasers

a 20 minute gap was decided between each shot. But the wheels soon fell off that idea

it started to fill up, and in the meantime S had an argument with his missus on the phone

ukraine

I screwed up my vodka shot

and had a bit of a stroke for a couple of minutes. there were many tears

S followed up a round after jobber, and said to the barmaid "same again please" however it was a completely different girl to the one who served jobber so he looked like a bit of a spazz

None of us really remember too much towards the end of the night. But I approached a bird on behalf of jobber who S insisted on him sleazing into. She turned out to be a bit nuts from what I can recall

taxi banter saw S unleash the theme tune to gummy bears on his mobile. To say it was a surprise would be an understatement. A bit like saying that S is loud

we went to Al-Bilal for some curry carnage

I was a bit mortal'd but managed to avoid passing out/throwing up. I'm a changed man don't forget

football legend Mark Bright was in town also. Al-Bilal was obviously too good for him though

I disappeared outside after finishing my curry and had a chat to r kid about our respective nights. Neither of can remember what was said, although it was a 10 minute long phonecall so I may have just pulled that expression for its duration

back to jobbers, and S smoothed things over with his missus

and I ate candy floss whilst watching my Prince DVD with jobber

THE END