epicly carnage

Off White With a Love Bite...

2008-03-30T11:25:00.007Z

The blog is back for a one off holiday edition

me and Moz went to Benidorm for, as Golds would say- "beer, slags and carnage"

this was my airplane essentials- ipod, parma violets and The Guardian

turns out that around the time this photo was taken, syrup (new nickname because of his need for one soon) lost his passport

all was well though. they put a call out for 'pol adam morreeeson'
we got changed and tore out into Benidorm. this was our first impression of the trip- a Phoenix Nights style club full of over-matures

we got absolutely destroyed on dark rum and guinesses and I ended up ill back at the flat leaving Moz to pursue some MILFs from Middlesborough.

I went on this arcade game that would only work in first gear. so I had to spend my whole time on it going no faster than 10 miles per hour. I was pissed in both senses of the word.

there were a few scal's out with their girlfriends mixed with matures. Me and moz in our peacocking gear were a totally different species so we did well out of it all.

the Lux-Mar had a standard view for Benidorm. For some reason they're still building more apartments here

Moz didnt get a tan. His skin colour went 'off white' instead

where is the best place for us two to fit in? why a Biker bar of course!

we fitted in well. At the back and out of everyones way. They had a stripper on at 3pm. She looked like a bit of a tranny though. Whatever it was, it was stripping before Newsround...
on one of the nights we went to a really shit bar that had bingo on. Moz seemed to have a fear of bingo

I had a fear of the floor. It was like the kind you get at the swimming baths. The chipboard tables only compliment it.

I got involved with some langoustines. It was a messy affair. And syrup ordered his food, had a couple of bites, then announced he was 'full'. They didnt even bring my full order, such is the level of laziness ingrained in Spaniards here

They're not too lazy to vote for the commies though. Franco would be turning in his grave...

I hate the Blues Brothers. So you can imagine my delight when I got to see a tribute act of them. I saw them three times. They were essentially two man in badly made suits with a hat and shades. Singing badly.

this guy was better. But he was too fat for the role of Mr Bulsara. He also needed to sound less northern and act gayer. He negated to sing at the difficult bits but none of the old dears seemed to mind

The act that me and Moz really wanted to see was....Francisco Jackson. An overweight white man in an untucked blue shirt doing Jacko covers. Sounds like a dream no?

Princey did his own tribute act. He sang Richard Marx...

to a near empty bar...it was emotional though. He did Marx proud.

we got chatting to two girls and moz straight away plucked for the worse of the two. He got them both on the bronco, but then ended up running out of the club then home cos he got too hammered.

we watched barca lose, but the screen made it look like we were watching Pro Evo in Font Bar

on one of the nights, Moz forced me to wait outside the ladies toilets because he had just witnessed a freak walk in there. We were both waiting for ages for her/him to come out but it was worth it in the end. The guy behind Moz thought we were both sex pests.

I came back to find him in a state. I had also just lost my wallet with all my cards in, so in between shouting 'Ive lost my fucking wallet Moz!' I was forcing him to throw up more with choice phrases like 'Chuck it up you queer!'

me and Moz rarely stayed together on a nightout- we both lonewolfed it. As he was chucking up, I was using this old dear to get into women on the dancefloor by dancing with her. Women were asking me to dance with them due to my little ruse but I just got too drunk and snarled at them, then carried on dancing with the granny. Granny banter.

I ended up going back with a girl from Essex who liked my get up. And when I walked out of her apartments I realised it was the same ones I had been in a few years back. She didnt enjoy that fact as much as I did...

they have a Brannigans in Benidorm, but I wouldnt refused to step foot in that one as well

I actually didnt pack any real beach type clothes with me. So I just wore my sandblasted flares and cream winklepickers to the beach instead.

moz collected a load of 'trophies' from the disasters he got into. It was an impressive collection

I brought the married 40yr old back to mine and tried to palm her off onto Moz but she said 'what kinda girl do ya think I am?'

to which I replied: 'the kind that cheats on her husband and three kids with me'

the first thing I showed the mature when I brought her back was syrup's Superboots...
moz squeezed into my small t-shirt and instantly made himself gayer than before

He didnt look as gay as these guys though. Moz got excited about this Westlife tribute photo. A slovak guy outside just looked downright bemused by moz's reaction

long conditioned hair - check

open ice white shirt - check

shell necklace - check

stay pressed slacks - check

moody stare - check

chair back-to-front - check

we were both at opposite ends of the hair spectrum. I offered to buy moz a blonde syrup (wig)but his response was always 'shuttup'

this was the level of quality moz aimed for. Even when there were a few girls, princey would straight away claim the fat stinker. 'I've got dibs on the disgrace!'

we saw A LOT of tribute acts: Elvis and Meatloaf were my favourites.

some disgraces decided to strip and go on the bull. A crowd gathered to see some flesh but in the end most were wincing at the sight of this one coming off the bronco...

we didnt pester this group. Their t-shirts did the trick I suppose

we did pester a group of welshgirls. They ranged from 7/10 to 0.5/10. Moz honed in on the worst one out of the lot, so much so that it sobered me up looking at him getting his sleaze on. We got into the lot of them by Moz bullying the girls into playing pool against us, then we showed them no mercy and completely hammered them. Moz got treats from the stinker on the beach. *shudders*

Benidorm wouldnt be Benidorm if there wasnt people fitting and pissing themselves on the strip at night. they were whisked off in an ambulance, but the paramedics didnt even bat an eyelid.

this was the mans treat from one of his conquests.

the place had a Star & Carnage, but I doubt a Smiths/Morrissey night would go down well in hooligan central

this is more like it

hometime

Roll on the summer!

'I quite like the girl with the disabled face and broad shoulders'

2008-01-19T13:44:00.000Z

This is likely to be the last entry in a while. I'm considering renaming it Epicly Hiatus or Exiled Carnage

so on my return from Scotland I tore round to jobbers flat before hitting town. Moz joined us in his latest ensemble

he was drinking a bottle of fosters with a citrus twist. It tasted of lies

his footwear was a joy though. The boot material felt like vulcanized rubber and had a feminine heel to it. They were definately mens boots though. definately.

after a couple of beers and light banter we got the bus from Fallowfield into Piccadilly Sq before nine o'clock

Princey was wearing the same scarf that I own, but luckily I had left it with the savages up north

the bus window's sexuality was androgynous

we got to the Star & Carnage at nine and were faced with a downpour, a locked door and an empty pub with no music on

we had banter like we were boozing in a library. Moz wore his newly purchased kaftan with the O(+> hanging out of the top to complete the look

I did an S and hadnt eaten all day so bought more snacks than life. I started with the Rolls Royce of nuts

then moved onto the Ford Mondeo of crisps

I also moved away from my normal look with the Sharpe jacket and onto the leather jacket bandwagon

it has epaulettes so I was happy

on the subject of fashion, bigman sported his Karl Kennedy band t-shirt for the world to see

Dr Karl turned up and had promised us 'a surprise'. We guessed that it could be (amongst others) one of the following:
- he was coming' out';
- he was wearing a new item of clothing;
- he was sporting his giant flares.

turns out the man was wearing his missus's knickers. the little deviant...

we all look delighted to be there

there were some goons at the pub's 'Smile' night that made me and moz look conservative

the booze didnt get any better. In fact it was probably as bad as the pints in The Old Monkey

jobber was choking back the delight in drinking his lager

dangerous

emo dangerous?

the hairiest man in medicine

I can't work out if the photo was taken to capture the rear or the bag

me and Moz were the only ones who had blue wristbands. the others all said that we were given those ones because of our butchness

turns out we were given the previous nights colour so it had nothing to do with gender non-specifics

white wristbands were for queers

for some reason moz made a drink out of dr pepper. it tasted like a war crime

disgruntled

princey attempted some nick schofield 'disgust' poses

and the 'emotion' pose

emotion mk 2

dr karl spotted some bird and announced that he 'quite liked the girl with the disabled face and broad shoulders' he then pointed her out to have a ponytail which he remarked was 'alluring'. Its a wonder the man has a bird with such insightful comments like that

after some double dark rum and carnage we hit the stairs and prowled theback of the dancefloor for a bit

I got raped by the fruity. Not literally, because it doesnt have sex organs or a forceful nature

I'm clearly lacking blogging match fitness seeing as I completely missed the dancefloor snaps. I'm gonna throw in a DC embellishment and say we all got our neck on with swedish models. Apart from karl who pursued the spaz women with fat backs.

I think dc suggested some curry carnage which everyone signed up for. Then as we headed into the gaff Moz did a turnaround and leapt into a taxi home

this is where we went

I got on the water bandwagon and ordered a chicken sizzler. jobber did the same I think. We were hoping for it to be like the Mogul but it was pretty dogdirt. You cant beat the best though

the rest went back home and I crashed at jobbers. His bro has got some mad punchbag slapbang in their lounge area

this was on the cards to watch but instead we plucked for....

O(+>..............

Like the His Purple Majesty I have some entries in the vaults that I will release when I get the urge to blog back again. And I have an Epicly Carnage Awards Ceremony and a few specials that will be winging its way on here in the coming weeks until I get the material (and motivation) to continue Epicly Carnage.

May U live 2 see the Dawn.......

(TO BE CONTINUED........)

Nazi Love

2007-12-07T11:06:00.000Z

the sight of this man's afro could only mean one thing...

some of the crew had come up to see me

we started it like we started most things. A game of pro eves

tolstoy gave me a present. She even does home visits!

after some booze and PES, we watched the football and I came up with some plans for their time here

before we set of for booze I responded to McIlroy on msn with a quote from Peep Show

I took them to my favourite bar, Elliots.

unfortunately for jobber, it was kareoke night...

to be fair, the quality of singing was good. And the scope wasn't too bad.

ooh......

the worlds worst genepool?

staying in Prestwick, we moved onto Flanagans

S was already complaining about the xmas period. He can't be happy for the festive season

crack at the mick eh?

none of the clubs were anywhere near busy- we were told so by the nice bouncers. Instead we witnessed some more amazingly good kareoke (even jobber agreed) and I managed to capture S giving a xmas tree spiteful glances

Madisons was our last destination

it was reasonably busy

we mainly drank vodka/waters and the odd slush puppy and vodka

I managed to pull a stroke face after one round of the booze

Tolstoy's hair was causing a stir throughout the night. He would walk past jocks and they would stare in fascination then whisper to one another

his peacocking grabbed the attention of these lot

me and S swooped in for a bit and chatted to some teens who were after a party. We left them with jobber and tolstoy to go to Subway

they lost track of them in the end, but we weren't bothered

mainly cos we were on course to eat some subway carnage

when we got back to mine, the mattresses were put on my floor so it looked like I had a load of Ukranian illegals sleeping in my room

it was difficult for me to get my essentials out of my cupboards

this man decided on ricecakes covered with tobasco sauce. An rare combination for a rare man

this man bought prawn cocktail crisps just to spite me

Purple Rain was put on for bedtime. It was on a good three times that night

(To be continued...)

Glasgae

2007-11-20T17:41:00.000Z

the next day was spent hungover watching Nathan Barley on DVD etc

after a while we needed food (and Pove needed diesel) so we trundled off to the retail park and got a KFC. We got odd looks in there but I put it down to the locals sniffing us out as English. Then it dawned on us after we'd eaten that we managed to walk into KFC through the fire exit

we got the train into Glasgow from Prestwick town

it was absolutely hammering it down

once in the city we went to an 80's themed bar/club that my landlord Murray reccommended. It was fucking nuts

Its called the REFLEX (you didnt expect me to capture it all on the tv screen did you?)
the dancefloor had mirrors around it and more glitterballs than life itself
we stood off the dancefloor and I thought I was getting looks from some mature on it. Then Pove pointed out that I was hovering over her seat where her bag was so she was probably just thinking I was a tinker

they got pictures of Mr T SUCKA

and the Knight Rider. Unfortunately you dont get expletives from KITT at nearby punters

after an hour or two we went to Capitol to meet Mcilroy and Kyran

Kyran was tired and did a Moz on us. Turns out his early dart was because he's all loved up...
after Capitol we went off to ABC, but the queue was massive so we went to another club down the road

drinks were pretty cheap so we caned the spirits and mixers

it was rammed so we stayed near the bar like good little alcoholics when drinks are cheap

for some reason they had a crocodile protruding out of the balcony over the dancefloor

they had loads of sarky signs on the club pillars

one of them had a poster to see the Messiah

naughty

I dont whether she was applying for that position or just had her finger up

I didnt realise Aberneen were in the UEFA Cup this year

lechery

I papp'd out of the scene by mcilroy

necking

they never fail to remind you where you are in world

next day saw me sleeping in a penthouse style apartment in the city centre. It was like a greenhouse cos we were pissed and forgot to put the blinds down

I was destroyed, but luckily a bacon sarnie for me (and a cuppa tea for Pove) sorted it

me and him were debating which way Manchester was

I'm gonna say its that way

or that way

we got the bus back home cos the trains were bust. Kyran takes a small suitcase with him when he stills with Mcilroy cos he ends up for staying days on end

I had a nightshift to get to in an hours time. Pove had a four hour drive instead...

luckily I had teen angel Rosie Webster to keep me occupied on the journey

Strangers in a foreign land...

2007-11-14T15:11:00.000Z

Pove came up to see me in exile

he brought me a present! reading about irrelevant local crimes brought a tear to my eye

a buxom teen at work who loves me gave me some rock from Blackpool as a present as well

I just got a new t-shirt delivered that day...its proper spicy

the weather was terrible for hitting the razz

we waited for the bus and I got ahead of myself with a decent quality photo

I'd like to say that the weather is always like this, but its not. Its normally like Manchester, but that is hardly a complement

eventually we got to Elliotts in Prestwick. Its mint and a great scope, but I got scared about cracking my camera out. I'll brave it some other time

beyond Elliotts we tore into Flanagans

its a bit like the Faulkners, but instead of being full of mentally retarded scummers from Alty, its full of nutty jocks

guess what we were on?

well Pove was, I was being a mincer

taxi

awful smalltalk was had

this place is exactly like 24 hour party square in Torremolinos- full of slappers with clubs that are not open 24 hours.

we went to Club de Mar, also known by the locals as 'Club Too Far'

I kept my flash off for fear of looking like an English bastard but managed to take some nice shots

disco dave told me some good news about his future, but I cant put it on the blog cos its a secret

JD & carnage

it just played a load of cheesy dancetunes, so me and Pove drank heavily instead and avoided dancefloor carnage. Think we were scared

one of the doorman was stood on this box frantically looking left and right in the club. I think he was just leching though

the wheels were well off for me by this stage, Pove wasnt as bad though
I flipped onto vodka straight followed by a glass of water for some reason. Never a good time to hit it when you're on your arse AND in a round system with Mr Povey

he stuck to what he was good at, that is, basically anything you put in front of him that isnt lighter fluid or meths

ordering at the bar was ace cos I couldnt understand a word they were saying due to the music. So, I just shouted at them and then shrugged my shoulders when i got a response back in a coarse Scottish accent and shouted again until I got my order

dancefloor was a bit poonshy (new word picked up) and had the odd mature knocking aboot

the music was, as they say here...pisch

so off we went to our third club of the evening for Indie carnage

this is their Carling

I got chatting to some mad bird and managed to wear her coat for half the night. Then I was getting my sleaze on, she looked over my shoulder to spot her mother giving us both dirties

so I ran off for a bit and scoped at the bar before meeting her outside again. And getting shooed off like a pest by her mother. Again.

we didnt scarper far though. Only as far as Subway

Pove was absolutely dunted and didnt know what to get so he copied me. He seems to have learnt a trick that jobber loves to pull

footlong Subway Club. No peppers though, cos they're for mincers

hometime

when we were out of the taxi we discovered what 80s disco group Shalimar had been up to- setting up a care home

Pove got a smoke on, listened to tunes and told me of his current irons in the fire

I was still so done in that I forgot to put the flash on

then I fell asleep to the sound of Karl Pilkington

(End of part one. Part two to follow soon...)

"Have we fucked?"

2007-11-06T15:44:00.000Z

my last night in Manchester before I move for my new job

I picked up S and then we set off to Timperley met from mine

he treated us to some tunes by The Shins on his phone

dangerous

we met captain carnage at 8 with a special guest in tow...Ben!

we got off at Piccadilly Gardens and then wandered aimlessly around the NQ

eventually we tore into Trof

Ben regaled us with tales from the end of the world (Barrow) and S talked about his potential move to Madrid for teaching

we just had generic banter and lamented the demise of our once great partnership of grand lechery last year

Trof had about a million beers to choose from. Me and S decided to try a few out

Mr Majeika encouraged all to hit the chilli lager

it wasn't too bad, but I dont think i'd buy it out of choice

he was setting a pace that made Golds whimper

Karl turned up! he was emotional about me leaving Manchester for good. samesies!
this beer tasted exactly like every other we had that night

this was the moment that karl attacked S's green blouse

S was absolutely raging but still used it as device to chat to two women about on the next table

he was a right smug bastard when both women liked his blouse. the rest of the crew werent convinced though

Princey turned up!

as did the Jones brothers

best friends?

on the way to the Star & Garter, this maverick unveiled a swiped beer menu from the bar. thug life?

Star & Carnage

me and Ben had a good stab at the tedious pinball machine whilst the rest had idle chit chat

this man unleashed a story that could only be told by the worlds worst person and in doing so alerted a horrified bird behind him. I blame the volume of the man...

he got lambasted by her

then for some reason her spanner boyfriend joined in the mockery

like water off ducks back though

whilst all this was going on, retarded cocktails were being made

I bumped into Peter Sutcliffe. funny that he should be in a bar that is situated in the middle of Manchester's red light district...

up we went for a shark

secrets

the wheels fell off (which is to be expected)

I saw Golds chatting to these two and then realised that I had actually screwed one of them exactly this time last year when I was here with Sam and Pove. I even said to her, 'have we fucked?'

after some productive banter with both, her mate propositioned me . I engineered a quick pillage and plunder with her, only for it be derailed by the girl I had touched the year before. Ultimate CBH

Martin had a use-by-date for the next day or he went off

S had a nice-guy -until-date on his back. he was due to be awful soon so all was well

hometime

that was the last Epicly Carnage entry for Manchester before I moved to Scotland for good.

I'm thinking of renaming it Exiled Carnage...

Reconnaissance

2007-10-30T15:11:00.000Z

as mentioned on the previous post, the next day I was off to Scotland to scope my new pad

we made our way up through the Lakes

luckily I had the Worlds Worst Person with me, so nothing could go wrong...

apart from a smoking back wheel that is. I spotted it and pulled over into the service station. Fucking karma.

not even my sat nav could help matters, so I rang the Oracle (r kid) and he put me on the right track

whilst waiting for the breakdown service, I read the paper and had a coffee with S outside. The fingers of doom on the pic were for...

this dreamface

her face is looking more skeletal by the day. She still gives me the horn though

the cavalry arrived!

I couldnt be happy for proceedings

S could

the guy had to take off the wheel and then screw it back on cos it was too tight. I had a service that morning but I didnt realise it was done in the wild west

eventually we got going and were only about 2 hours behind schedule

we knew we were across the border when a load of oddly named places cropped up

I dont remember falling asleep at the wheel

our B & B was quite nice

it had all the mod cons...

it was a twin room so I avoided any 'floor sleeping tactics' from the WWP that he uses to trick women into sleeping with him

me and S got ready to go out, and he gave a nod to the EpiclyTolstoy blog with this mirror snap

we walked blindly into Ayr, not knowing where to hammer

River Ayr

theyve got a mint Wetherspoons that used to be a church in the town centre

we pumped a load of bunse into the quizzer

my camerawork managed to miss our name on the scoreboard

after a load of vitamin G's we left spoons then got cat calls from some girls on the street. We were too scared so we scarpered...

we found some indie pub

we combined boozing with match of day carnage

booze...booze...booze...

I got us both on the vodka/water's

around midnight we went upstairs to the club. It was pretty dead so we got some banter on with the cloakroom girl and helped her do a wordsearch till it filled up

it eventually filled up with low self-esteemers

me and S got sharked by some birds. he got cock blocked by some jealous guy she worked with. Can't be happy?

this bird loved me

so did this 'guy'. He kind of looked like a girl with a beard but with breath that smelt of lies. It was awful, but I just used him as a pivot and sent him out to find women for me in the club whilst S was sleazing on the dancefloor

me and S called it quits and went for a subway

along the way we spotted this. I dont know if they mean southerners as in English, or southerners as in cockneys so was unsure whether to like the advert or not

next day we checked out of the B&B and I added Les Chegwin to the guestbook

I went to scope my new house. It was quaint, with the interior like a grandma's house

this is my room

I live five minutes from the sea

journey home

congestion

"Do you know what I was watching the other day that made me laugh? The Special Olympics"

2007-10-21T21:06:00.000Z

Back to civilisation...and back to 'normal folk'

well...I say normal. Moz was wearing such a tight top, the buttons looked like were threatening to burst the camp badboy wide open

We went to Font first. This is a photo of S/The Worlds Worst Person (WWP) announcing in Font:

"Do you know what I was watching the other day that made me laugh? The Special Olympics"

The WWP has still got it...it never left him...

no prizes for guessing where we went. Well, maybe a prize if you are blind or illiterate. And then the prize would be a guidedog or some education

I once spent a good part of my night stood here getting phone signal to direct an Argentinian bird who was out to see me. Turns out, she couldn't be happy for me and never appeared. I blame the Falklands dispute

Apart from shapeshifting like on this pic, I was 'taking it easy' on the booze cos I was driving for four hours the next day to Scotland

I did what any normal humanbeing does when they have to drive to Scotland and jumped on the double vodbull bandwagon

Jobber's 'dangerous' pose took it to a whole new level of danger...

Moz's Cuban Heels were not getting the recognition they deserved

they were putting my cowboy boots to shame

the wheels were beginning to fall off for us binge drinking swines ...

I went the route Moz normally takes (and he did that night as per) and tore some water in me

another of Moz's movesets on a nightout was him cracking open some music on his mobile

Him and Jobber were listening to Prince

we managed to hijack some seats, but this somehow turned into a pile-on

stack heel carnage

he looked like he had the feet of a child

a girl on another table with teenangel knickers and pigtails appeared to be getting sleazed on by a guy with a moustache. The man must be a fashion maverick

after more booze we let this newly single man loose on the womenfolk as he attempted to pillage and plunder on the dancefloor

beardage

they were playing motown type stuff so we clearly went the night we normally avoid

Karls hairy chest was the most alpha thing in the place

then we spotted an absolute dreamboat

I tried to use my skills to capture her beauty

I got distracted with some Tolstoy/Bagnall influenced snaps though...

dreamy

pointy shoes

S got mobbed...they must have known about the Les Chegwin group on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=5385875196)

he enjoyed getting violated

well maybe not. Turns out they were after the Worlds Worst Person's nipples

he necked her. I went over to help him by skanking on her potential cock-blocking mates but he didn't need it

for some reason we got all confused and went to the cloakroom early to get our coats. Then we realised in our pissed state that noone wanted to go home

flocks of people come to The Venue to stand under its state-of-the-art dancefloor lighting

for some reason they cracked on a bit of Led Zep. Me, Moz and S were loving it

Jobber gave the tune a Bigmanesque shrug with some Princey flamboyance thrown in

then Moz's workmates joined us near the end. She's the one to his right but I managed to miss her. He told Jobber that he needed to get away from the girl cos he'd already used his chatup line of 'whats the time?' a good 6 or 7 times. In retrospect, maybe he should have used his line on strokeface behind him...

this was his mate. He was wearing some sort of superoutfit

Double McDonalds belts is standard issue for Jobber

but they couldnt save him in his state so we called it quits

'Subway is the new Kebab as the end of a night out' Discuss.

The Aftermath

2007-10-21T12:49:00.000Z

the day after the wedding saw me have about 4 hours sleep. It would have been 5 hours but Ricey got me up an hour early for the breakfast because he was still on Brussels time. I was absolutely raging

and so was my morning peacocking attire. Some people enjoyed it

after breakfast banter, ricey left for Belgium and the rest went to Ramsbottom for some afternoon pints. I also slated the yellow humvee limo that was parked out the hotel, saying it was for scumbags. The people sat on the next table then got up and went to get in the limo...

"I really shouldnt be driving"

Sean got to Rammo then spewed a shedload of liquid onto the grass. He opted for a cup of tea instead of booze

Pove managed to fall over in his hotel bathroom and cut his forehead in the process. He was in all kinds of trouble

Sean shared the wealth porn wise with his newfound guardian- Gilkes. Pove also assumed that Sean was a teacher when we were talking about the grammar school and was shocked to discover he still goes to school...

we then played a game where you have to guess what person is on the rizla stuck to your head. The names were:
Spark- Kate McCann
Me- Debbie McGee
Pove- Nell McAndrew
Gilkes- Tinky Winky
Sean- Gary Wilmot

You are supposed to ask general questions about your person, but disco dave played by his own rules and decided to ask "is my person from the west or the east of the Pennines?" To make things worse, I think I made Seans hangover worse by making a 17 year old try and work out who Gary Wilmot is...

after a few more boozy ones we went for some scran at the Shoulder of Mutton

I was pretty tanked and had the shakes for the first time in ages

the man could only manage a soup, which he ordered as follows:

"Can I have the soup of the day please?"

"What is it by the way?"

to add insult to injury he was eating it like a man with a severe bout of alzheimers

Gilkes guts were rotten

a bit like my boots- they are coming away at the sides

he seemed to like my golfing pantaloons/jim jams though

I got mocked for my period of looking like a Basque Seperatist

everyone was properly done in

so we called it quits and went to fetch my phone that I had lost the night before

THE END

Wedding Reception

2007-10-15T10:50:00.000Z

so after the church and some coach banter, we got to the reception venue which is a TA camp and was where the Krypton Factor assault course used to be held

we crawled past some minefields and then for some reason the coach driver allowed these two to walk in front of us like a funeral procession

on arrival we were greeted by these two. They looked like touches, but in fact they were pretty cool

snarl

the legend that is David Mennell managed to swing by for a few pints before having to scoot back to Yakshir

Lucas 'Big Guns' Palk and Leanne

sasko was there with his squeeze

they also had a magician and juggler to keep the rabble entertained

I went outside for a bit a witnessed a real man at work....

Dave swatted a wasp out of the sky and then stood on it whilst the rest of the lads around shrieked and squirmed

after hitting the tiny bar and listening to the tunes we were seated and had hotpot food carnage with red cabbage

it was nice to see Gilkes getting fingered, rather than the other way round

they had little wedding cake toppers in the style of the bride and groom

they even got the brides mole which was cool

I decided to be a social butterfly and went to Bagnall and Carls table. Bagnall's missus mucker said she was concerned Paul would leave her for me, such is his obsession with me and my antics

access- DENIED

Steve gave me his dangerous pose...or should that be опасный seeing as the man speaks the tongue of the communist

me and Pove went to the bar only to be engulfed in this man's fury

Dan came across like he'd completely lost the plot...he had managed to insult two lesbians on his table to such an extent that they left the reception

sleaze

anthony and his missus. He gave me permission to take a downblouse shot but the quality of my photo was poor, even for my low standards

the new Alpha male and his missus

just before speechtime, Bagnall couldn't be happy for Carl so he spilt a whole glass of red onto him...

Carl looked like he was steamin, but then he realised it was only rented so he could be happy again

father of the bride was up first

crotch shot

and a stirling job he did too- it was well put together, and he even managed to mock the groom

the groom was next, and he regaled us with his happiest moments. One of which was getting a new kitchen fitted. Life in Ramsbottom eh?

senor Walsh batted well and laughs were had. Ricey got mocked for the stag no-show and I got mocked for looking like Russell Brand, but some people thought he said Russell Grant so I cant work out whats best

cake carnage was next. Unfortunately Epicly Carnage wasn't given exclusive rights for the wedding so inaccurate long distance shots will have to do

first dance (click to play the tune)

then we all spilled onto the dancefloor for some of the gayest tunes around. All the grooms choice of course...

a few were Dave Povey trigger tunes though. With the design of hearing the man say 'this is an absolute tune'

meanwhile back at the bar, cousin Stuart gave one of his kids some tough love/a beating. Its character building if anything...

Steve and his Soviet wife- счастливая пара. (Стив, если Вы можете прочитать это тогда, Вы - гомосексуалист )

Big Guns had an upset stomach from his holiday so was hitting the rennies in a big way like Shaun Ryder

we didnt need indigestion tablets though cos we were high on life/booze

I put in a tune on karaoke and these two drew up chairs like a couple of X Factor judges in anticipation

(click to play)

for some reason everyone was dancing to it

there was a badly underused chocolate fountain knocking about

most people were dancing to the cheese though

Bagnall wasnt. He was having problems with his stomach and wasnt very well. Anybody would think this was being held in Mumbai with the amount of upset stomachs knocking about

I was cousins Sean's guardian for the night cos his family went home

I did what any guardian would do and encouraged him to get his sleaze on. me and him got dancing with the hired guns. They were absolute dreamboats, but they couldnt dance for long because they were getting evils from 'the management'. proper CBH

Ricey was dressed like a tory, complete with a David Cameron haircut

it started to die down, and then the hardcore element turned the dancefloor into a 'danceoff'

Brownhill was firmly involved

so was Dessie. he was, in his words, 'frickin steaming like'

special needs/carer

carer/special needs

I gave up on the dancing and hit the top shelf

and as I was at the bar Dan was running around the edge of the reception area like a fucking madman

I actually think he might be a madman cos there was very few people there

it wound up so we got a coach back to the hotel and sang the church songs all the way. Me, Brownhill and Des were driving it on- it was the cleanest coach banter ever

we got into the hotel bar and there was a drunk teenangel. I got some banter going with her but was warned off her by the Queen because in her eyes she was a 'whore'. That same 'whore' ended up getting rattled by Dan the madman back in her room whilst her younger brother was asleep in the adjacent bed...

all the singing had done Brownhill in. Pikey was speaking to him like he was in a coma:

Pikey: Brownhill...I KNOW you can hear me...just open your eyes!!

*SLAP*

Brownhill: "ughhhhh"

Disco dave wasnt far from a coma

this was evident when we went outside with ricey for some air

"I think I can feel blood....oh, no...I can't feel any actually"

I was in a right state, so much so that I lost my watch and my mobile during the night...

(to be continued...)

Wedding

2007-10-08T19:19:00.000Z

Seeing as Tolstoys blog is still down, someone has to keep the tradition burning bright....

I was dressed up today because it was r kids wedding day

before the church I went over to Uncle Carls space-age pad

its like something from MTV Cribs. I spilt some water on his granite work surface and felt like I committed a war crime.

his place is mint. He made me crumpets to sort out my hangover and to prepare me for my usher duties at the church

me and him had to tell people where to sit in the church and hand out matchday style programmes to the punters

the groom looked nervous, but he told me he was fine

I had a bit of banter with these two before I went in the church for lots of smalltalk with people I didnt know

the best man had brought a bag of columbia's finest for proceedings

in fact it was just the ring cushion

they always get you when you're down...

karma may get me if I say what has come into my head for this picture...

the wedding kicked off, and this was my view for the whole thing. It was the footballing equivalent to sitting behind a pillar for 90 minutes

luckily I had a great view of the Nazi Eagle standing proud

I gave the camera to a shakey Pove to capture some key moments

the choir was excellent- they did 'World in Union' 'One More Step Along the World I Go' and 'Sing Hosanna'. It was mint

but not as mint as the busty mature leading from the front. I got a text from Bagnall midway through the wedding stating his approval of her...

more great camerawork

they all walked out to 'Digo Si Senor' which was another fan favourite

the Church of England's answer to Dave Spikey said the two kids would be the next generation getting hitched- they were in fact brother and sister. Maybe the priest thought we were in Yakshir...

he did appear to turn into Christ when he was walking out though so maybe its okay

clocked

confetti carnage

the bird on the right was my favourite. Her style was immense

I gave my camera to Bagnall whilst I featured in some snaps. He took some good ones like this one of the Groom, best man and Ushers...

and some good family ones. But he also took some other interesting pictures for a niche market...

including Carl giving us his booty shake...

...some covert fetish pics

some more covert fetish ones...

...and some up close 'dangerous' pictures

I thought Scouse Marc (or Skid Marc as he is known by some) was the best dressed man there. He didn't even get shitty knickers this time

the Padstow Crew 2007

the weather couldnt be happy for us so we all hopped onto the coach for some wedding reception debauchery

let the Reception Carnage commence!

(to be continued...)

"Are you the figure skater?"

2007-10-06T10:14:00.000Z

a short and notsosweet entry to keep things ticking along

some midweek banter was in order so Golds did his usual and picked me and S up

I'd like to say he had some decent tunes on, but it would no doubt be that Kano gak he loves
he nearly prevented me from getting out of the car in Fallowfield. A classic cant be happy move
we infiltrated the student hall bar using my boyish face as cover

we hit snakebites to keep up the pretense

there was a load of music student clowns knocking about. They seemed to have a shapeshifter amongst them

this was their leader. A big fat disgrace in shorts. She got everyone to masking tape their legs together- the guy stuck to her must have been in tears cos she was a fucking retard

using this man's inside knowledge we went to Robbo's dangerously early to skip the NUS check and to await the scope heading our way

we played on the quizzer for fucking ages. S did a dc and kept some of the winnings, but then later shared the wealth cos I had a bit of a tantrum

good toilets

after a few switches, we settled on a position for lechery and to keep jobber happy- the football was in watching distance

the music clowns came in

me and S went off for a shark and got chatting to two birds. One them thought I was a figure skater so I just ran with it...

then S and Golds got masking taped up together and went on the sleaze. They got accused of a) not being students; and b) not being music students

bin disgust

jobber seemed to surround himself in tat- his seat was fucked when we went upstairs. Although from the photo it kinda looks like he's gone all English Hooligan on fallowfield...

the dancefloor wasn't great, nor were we that hammered to hoover up any dregs

jobber had an invisible pint

fin

Stag Carnage Part 5

2007-09-29T10:01:00.000Z

The morning after during checkout Pove wanted words with and r kid outside the hotel...

...turns out Disco Dave got a £50 fine for 'disturbances' last night. The matter of him climbing though his own room window probably didnt help matters, but he took the fine like a beggar

then after checkout we all went off to the beach to play cricket

Alan was umpire- he even did the counting the coins thing for the amount of balls for each over

out

my outfit didn't help my batting abilities. I ended up getting FBW- Flare Before Wicket

some people were bang into it. Steve just lay on his back cos he was so fucked

whilst the rest played cricket, a breakaway faction got some banter going

Spark talked shop with the Stag group's very own Max Farnham

I on the other hand couldnt be happy for our game and instead perved on the teenangels match

this dreamy teen was my favourite but she wasn't the greatest batter

meanwhile over on Crab Key...

Honey Ryder emerged from the sea looking for sea shells...

hometime

Walshberg on the money prowl?

Carl watched some 'erotica' on the way to the airport

wind farmage

Bagnall had a rich tan

the airport does some kind of £5 charge which angered Walshy. I was expecting an outcry from either Carl or some of the older folks but it seemed they sucked it up

the departure lounge was frigging tiny. There wasn't much to do

apart from maybe raid the Ginsters fridge

'mature'

'hired gun'

'hot prospects for the future'

I asked to sit next to Uncle Carl and Bagnall because I knew they would angle for some decent seats. They were probably needed for people less able than us but we were living the budget airline dream

the challenge was set to take a snap of the vintage air hostess

my overall fear of getting caught and the fact I couldnt use the flash didn't help the quality of the snaps

unfortunately that plan went of the window when I inadvertently reset the settings on the camera and put the flash back on...

Carl's face summed up the embarrassment of the situation as we got caught in the act

me and Bagnall laughed it off though. She looked at him when she jokingly accused us of taking a rear action shot so he must look more of a perv than me

in the midst of all this Pove was, in his words, 'a right state'

someone described this as the best shot of the holiday. For two reasons- Bagnall's head being 'the size of a pillow' and the fact that there is half of the stag in and around the photo if you click into it

County

The End

Stag Carnage Part 4

2007-09-25T19:07:00.000Z

After nearly chucking on the boat I went back to my room for a cat nap and some water

as you can see, its just water. The Cornish are very literal people, maybe to avoid all the big eared boys getting the wrong end of the stick. Luckily Walsh was clear on the matter

I came back to the pub a few hours later and found everyone at Base Camp in time for United versus Spurs. Pove had already had 8 pints by 4pm

the match wasn't great

for some reason Jonathan Woodgate was watching it with us

due to my tardiness this was my view of the match. I didnt mind though, mainly because:

a) The game was absolutely toilet;
b) I was having good banter with Mike, Disco Dave and Scouse Marc; and
c) The bloke in front of me had a fetching bag

meanwhile the corpse and her buxom mate text me asking where we were and what we were up to. They tore over shortly afterwards and Walsh got some banter going with the corpse. Unfortunately we overheard her referring to him as 'Wayne'

me and Marc ditched the pub after a bit to meet up with Bagnall and Carl around the harbour

Bagnall spotted a dreamboat relaxing and so I took a covert sleaze shot. I'm sure it will look better/worse if you click into it

one of the running themes of Epicly Carnage is my Sharpe jacket. Marc became the latest member of the club

so did Bagnall in a way. His stance was more 'having a pint at a carboot' than Marc's Nautical stance

the boozing switched to the Shipwrights Inn with the older crew

Pove with his shades on was an indication of him being in a state. He was destroyed enough to be gently nudged off his seat and into an outdoor heater by Sam. Pove responded to Sam's 'aggression' by stating 'it was just rude' and a dog responded to him by barking with fright at all the goings on

Bagnall displayed his Beadle hands- they were a good inch smaller than that of a normal person

Geoff was slowly going the colour of a cricket ball. It was a wealthy tan

Walsh operated on the quizzer and got most of the older crew bang into it

after a few more in the Custom we headed to our end place the night before

I got some banter going with a teenangel

unfortunately her cockknocker boyfriend was sat next to her. He was knew what I was up to and was derailing my attempts for a bit of goosing. I hated him, he was absolute clownshoes

it got worse cos her dad was on the same table. It was a foolish shark so I abandoned ship and Pove took my place- luckily her dad was Padstow's answer to Frank Gallagher from Shameless so it was like two peas in a pod (Pove was successful with her I believe...)

this sausage fest of a table was the most Alpha thing I'd seen on the weekend. It even had two on standby on the next bench so I kept my distance

Instead I got into some banter with John about the scope on offer

Alan was chatting to these two and doing some good groundwork

mine and dessie's ears pricked up...

I brought Bagnall in for support and introduced him as being a man who 'buys low and sells high'. I asked one of the girls who was a town planner to plan me a route to the bar and get a round in but it wasnt happening. They were top girls though

the wheels were well and truly off for Gilkes. but he was still getting a lech on so tried to muscle in on the action with Des. He even moved a whole bench across to get full access but it was vetoed by the barstaff...

Niki Lauda joined the crew. He seems to have spent his retirement away from his native Austria and instead in the West Cun'ry

apparently the corpse was asking as to my whereabouts throughout the evening but I couldn't be happy for her- I was hedging my bets elsewhere. Brownhill however had safely secured his buxom beauty so could get away with a few pervy glances down her top

although she looked less like a corpse the following night, she may have smelt like one seeing as she had three vultures trying to take her apart

cornered

push...

...pull. I went back to having banter with the town planner and her mate after this pic though

fin

me, Walsh and Pove pursuaded them both to come back to our hotel bar for some repeat hotel carnage. They looked like they were about to be walked home by Peter Sutcliffe

these two weren't having it though. It was CBH territory

no matter how much crooning they got from the Annings

when we got back to our hotel Steve spoke Russian to Bagnall who replied in Dutch about parting a girls legs. Who says Brits aren't diverse?

luckily on the previous picture it said 'everyones welcome' so we brought the whole fucking world back to Gilkes & Poves room. Sasko seemed to be gettin his lech on as well

Lauda's soul destroying features meant one of the other birds had to keep her hand up to her eyes to avoid a seizure. Her midget mate kept going on about her belly to the rest of the crew, but I just stayed out of the convo and instead ate their complementary biscuits before going for some sleep carnage

Gilkes was completely naked underneath

Brownhill got involved with some text banter with the buxom one

as the party wound down, the girls were escorted back to their pads. Pove couldnt get back into his room and so had to climb through his window whilst he was getting scoped by the night porter

sweet and tender hooligans

End of Part 4...

(to be continued)

Stag Carnage Part 3

2007-09-19T15:30:00.000Z

A new day saw new carnage in the west cun'ry

so the troops poured down the hill for some fishing

Andrew Walshstein was in charge of the finances. Unfortunately Burrell didn't manage to hang onto his swiped spirits to cash in for his trip money so had to hand over legitimately earned dollar instead

so the crew was split into two boats- PW10 and

Team Dreamboats

the water was rubbish- it wasn't blue like in swimming baths

this seagull was perving on us

although nothing could distract Knutsford's answer to Gordon Gecko

the Stag gakked almost immediately after stopping. I rang Andrew ben Walshberg with the news on the other boat

most of his upchuck went into the sea as bait

it was a pitiful display, but one I couldnt gloat on because I was in a precarious position myself

the rest of Alpha Males carried on hunting like the dogs they are

this armed forces man could probably kill Mackerel just by staring it down

Pove couldn't be happy for me maintaining my status quo and insisted on me holding onto his fishing rod. I told him I was close to spewing but he said he wouldn't take long. So I held onto his rod then realised he was sparking up his cig and fishing council estate style

Pikey and Brownhill were absolute fiends at this

I blame my seasickness on my low yield. Either that, or Poveys uncouth behaviour was putting the Mackerel off swimming near me

I stuck to my look of flares/cowboy boots combo

Bagnall didnt even pick up a rod. He went from Bagnall to little Laura Davies in a matter of minutes

the Mackerel made a mockery of his spearmint shirt and grey action slacks by flicking blood all over him. His partner in crime Carl had already vom'd so I suppose Bagnall held the upper ground

reports from the other boat established that the two most unlikely people chucked up:

1/ An ex-navy veteran who lived on a frigging ship for years; and

2/ A man who lives on the Isle of Man who used to frequently get the boat across to the mainland

A third man lost control at both ends which resulted in shitty knickers and a dirty mouth. Anybody would have thought we were rounding Cape Horn...

hometime

Done!

(to be continued)

Stag Carnage Part 2

2007-09-17T17:08:00.000Z

we all met up at The Old Custom House and began hitting the booze

me, Sasko, Scouse Marc and a few others went for some food at Rick Steins fish n chip shop

it was epicly busy, so instead we went somewhere quieter along the harbour and pretended we went to Steins. I thought my acting was particulary impressive- saying it was 'okay' and shugging my shoulders like a frenchman

the rest continued to have banter. We pretty much took up part of the pub

I scoped a teenangel and used a hammered Sasko as my decoy. The hot prospect knew what I was up to though, and so did her squeeze. Unfortunately Sasko didnt know what was going on, he was well and truly tatanka'd

Mr Wint and Mr Kidd

after a while me and Bagnall went off to the Ship for further carnage- Pove, Sam and Spark were around and about. Bagnall identified a mature on the dancefloor. Obviously I could have got a better photo, but I could have got a worse one right? oh...

Bagnall took my Prince symbol to a new level of eroticism

this wasn't the only pissed up bloke that Pove (aka disco dave) spoke to on the stag weekend

in fact it seemed that Padstow's answer to Bez was having an intimate moment with his ladyfriend who seemedto be going through 'the change'. Pove couldnt be happy for them so derailed the guys convo. Me and Sam spotted it and tried to drag him away, but he stated he was 'having an interesting conversation about property'

whilst Disco Dave chatted away, me and Sam recruited a slav guy with a fetching cap. I asked him if there were any slavic females in the area- he said they all worked in the restaurant opposite. Sam flashed me a look of digust as I tapped the Pole for info on where the birds were at

after a while I went back to the Old Custom House to tell the others that we had found a place with potential for late night chaos. Mike was leathered and had lost his phone so I berated him, much to the delight of my dad. Gilkes and Dessie defected whilst the others joined us later

my dad and Ged got their sleazes on to the music

geoff was loving life

me and Des cranked it up a gear and hit the double dark rum & cokes

this mature was sound- but my photography was poor so you'll have to take my word for it
the wheels were well and truly off at this stage. Whilst r kid was behaving like he was in Linekers in Blackpool, Sasko was having a David James style Indian Summer. He was still standing and his speech was almost coherent. Steve gave him the nickname 'Lazarus' because of him coming back from the dead

Bagnall unleashed his wealth shoes. they come complete with tassles (He actually woke up the next day with his jeans still rolled up, so must have spent at least 3 hours sporting that look)

' Mad' Frankie Frasier was in Padstow causing mad mayhem

sleaze (credit to whoever took the covert snap)

as the night wound up, I went for a scope and joined Sasko in some banter with two birds

it wasn't these two South Yorkshire-looking matures though

it was these two. I suggested they came back to our hotel for idle chitchat and booze

some went back to their respective hotels, others went off in the direction of a restaurant whilst the rest caused havoc in the hotel bar

Gilkes was trying to muscle in and derail me but disco dave was my drunken barrier to such tactics being employed (Unfortunately he couldnt protect me forever)

these two were having banter with a midget and a girl who looked like Niki Lauda

this man did what was expected of him and his ilk...like a true scouser he waited for the night barman to disappear out of sight and attempted to swipe a few bottles of spirits. If they're not grievin' then they're thievin'...

after some very understated groundwork, Brownhill firmly locked his down

Mike, Walsh and others returned with a number of gifts acquired from some kitchen or other. Walsh aimed for the sky and got caught with a bottle of Tabasco sauce. My treat appeared to be baby new potatoes, which were placed on my crotch. Was it symbolic? no, I think it was merely alcoholic

meanwhile Bagnall had turned into Barry White and was sweating more than life

another moment of opportunism saw the bandits pour out bitter out of the barmans shot

lechery

this man came across to me and put a partly peeled banana in my hair. I left it there and told him I wasnt happy, but Gilkes decided to rub it completely in my hair as a kind of drunken retort. I literally went 'bananas' with him and went for a shower

luckily my disappearance meant I didnt see the girl I was talking to slowly go the colour of a corpse. She looked properly dead

not as dead as these two though. Good old Lazarus kept on trucking

and so did Povey...

well sort of...

In fact he came to my room for banter until 6am and asked to stay because he was scared Gilkes might interfere with him...

(to be continued)

Stag Carnage Part 1

2007-09-14T09:09:00.000Z

Sorry about the delay in posting- got a lot on at the moment. More postings will follow in a few days

anyways, it was r kids stag do and he wanted to tear down to Cornwall for it. So us two, walsh and scotty (aka Sasko) headed to the airport

there we met Des (aka Robin) who had flown in from the Isle of Man. He didn't fork out for the privilege of going in the Lounge, so we left him with the peasants and trundled off to bask in free papers and little savoury biscuits

Carl and Bagnall were already present which was a surprise because Bagnall normally turns up for his flight as it is hurtling down the runway

everyone was attempting to breakeven and was hitting bottles of lager and crisps

we had to move seats because we didnt want the family next to us overhearing Bagnall recalling one of his friends knocking a dildo up him with his heel during self gratification. Its a touching story, as good as the one involving the same guy using nettles on himself...

we were on Fergie's bandwagon

I was playing by my own rules and got involved with some Bloody Mary carnage

we were filling bins with all the food and drink we were having. The Lounge staff couldn't be happy (CBH) for our all-consuming tactics and were giving us evils

we got to the plane promptly and realised that it was riddled with teen angels

sasko was lucky enough to be in the thick of it and busy getting his sleaze on. He was destroyed from his Lounge exploits

but the sleazing and booze didn't stop him weeing in his knickers on takeoff

(photos courtesy of Walsh)

dreamboats

it appears Walsh was using my tactic of claiming the camera didnt work to take multiple sleaze shots. They were all Newquay bound unlike us lot

I felt like Led Zeppelin getting off the plane at the runway but maybe thats because I was woefully overdressed for the daytime in the West Country. I tried to take a snap of these two next to the plane but some women was being a right cock-knocker about it

this is her. She was kicking off bigstyle that we were taking a picture. I dont think she realises that an oversized high visability jacket and poundshop sunglasses does not make you better than me

the baggage reclaim hall was the size of a large garage

you know you're in the West Cun'ry when you get an idiot in a tractor slowing the rest of the world down

coach banter

sasko was KO'd

half of the crew were dropped off at the Metropole. Pove looked delighted

the rest of them went off in the Special Needs van to their various setups (click to look at the remedials)

Sam was there with Spark- they had driven down. The camera isnt mine (cos mine is busted) so expect my photography to sink to new depths

this was mine and Riceys room- he was flying into Bristol airport and getting picked up by Mike brother in-law Steven

before we hit the town, Carl gave us his Ricky Hatton boxing pose. Bagnall claimed Carl had combined all his favourite gear to create a superoutfit

Padstow

let the boozing commence... (to be continued)

# We're really missing you...and you've only just gone... #

2007-09-06T17:49:00.000Z

Ive broken my camera so have had stagger and scrape together stuff to avoid a blogging drought...

I got promoted recently so had a leaving do in town. This is Michelle and her 'conservative outfit'. My line manager said her first choice of clothing was akin to a hookers working gear

Louise had threatened to shave my head. I don't know where the clippers were going to spring from but I don't think she'd want to see me go from long haired ponce to HIV positive in a single stroke

my boss Vinny- or Vinoir as I called him. R kid and his missus joined for some banter also

people had stated that Sharon was going to prey on me tonight and that I would need a chaperone (she didnt)

LA, Chris and Fisher

my bosses Bev and Frank stood with the big cheese, Ken

Bev reckoned she broke her little toe on the way here but I couldnt be happy for her

Dennis

Luke

getting a perv on...

Fisher had to get the last train back. turns out he fucked up cos of the booze and ended up going in the wrong direction home

big boss #2

banter

turns out it was Nicki's birthday today as well so we turned it into ultimate carnage

'the boiler'

Gargan

DOB

I was congratulated more about getting MJR out than on my promotion. He never turns up for anything, but it looked like he put the effort in from the heavy use of gel and an early 90s metallic blue shirt. no one actually knows his age either-people reckon he's been around forever like The Highlander. Steve on the right is my replacement

Byrne and Phillips (i refer to most people by their surnames like it was some sort of boarding school) Phillips has applied to work up in Scotland with me

the happy couple

if you click into this pic, MJR looks like he is having a fit

Team SEA

after Rain Bar we hit Subspace. I sleazed onto my favourite yummy mummy- Sara. MJR queued up but took one look at the door and ran off into the night...

these three hated it and went off to The Village. Soon all the bigwigs jumped on the leaving bandwagon and went home

Gargan plied me with sambuca's which I chased down with double vodka redbulls. I tried to implement 'stack' but the wheels were well and truly off my night so that didnt happen

tommo was getting her sleaze on with the G4S guy

I attempted to out pout the previous snap. I dont remember anything beyond this photo

confusion

this was the final photo before it broke. Apparently I had to be helped in putting my coat on and just stuck my fingers up at everyone in the back of the taxi when I left. I blame the sambuca's

O(+>

2007-09-01T10:22:00.000Z

Me, jobber and moz went to see Prince down in London. I mean in concert, we didnt actually get to chat to him

we got the refugee bus down. It cost a whopping £2 return each

I went retro with my choice of reading material

we were staying at Gilkes' place so had to get the tube and meet him

he lives near Kennington station

his flat was like some sort of MI5 safehouse. It was just a grey door with painted windows

his view wasn't bad

and his place had all the stuff you need- sky, ps2 and a Congolese woman cooking rice downstairs in his kitchen...

its a yuppie paradise

we eventually darted off to his local for some pints and banter

moz was wearing his butch t-shirt- the sleeves ride up and make him look camp(er)
I dont suffer from that problem though

the pub had nice decorative plates

and jobber managed to get the pub dog to tear over. He seems to have an understanding with dogs- dc's missus kim has a dog that sports a raging hard-on on the sight of jobbers delightful face

a couple of pints in and Lolly rang Gilkes to see what the plans were for the evening. She was going to a friends leaving do but suggested we joined them all in Old Street

this guy was the money launderer for the great train robbers. He looked fucked

by 7 we headed over to Greenwich

dangerous

the bird in yellow had odd hair so I took a covert snap. Maybe she is a fashion maverick like me?

Gilkes didn't have a ticket so he was gonna lone wolf it round the arena

its a top venue

dreamy

moz bought THE tightest/campest shirt in the world. That was a large as well. We decided that it must have been for women, but then remembered that O(+> probably made everything gender non-specific

no cameras allowed, but I play by my own rules

he was amazing

the Twinz minced around him

and he appeared to be wearing a ladies white power suit and a good set of heels

the purple one teased the crowd with bits of songs- including Controversy which is one of my favourites

then he disappeared in some smoke and came out to Purple Rain as his encore

he did about 4 more encores

Gilkes in the meantime had grown weary and went to the cinema instead

we decided against g0ing to the aftershow- we reckoned he played the night before and so wouldn't tonite (he did)

I couldnt get hold of Gilkes or Lolly so made a snap decision and headed to Old Street where her do was being held

Gilkes met us there, but Moz and Jobber had booze fatigue and were tired. We heard nothing more from Lolly so headed for some Covent Garden carnage

we only got as far as Kings Cross though cos the tube couldnt be happy for us and finished for the night

for some reason there were bubbles in the air. Lolly got in touch and said she was too fucking tired and wasnt coming out. She is on her second strike

hometime

good photography

when we got back me and gilkes watched football whilst the other two planned to get an early train home in order to catch the Man Utd vs Man City match. They were told it was £60 for both

I wanted more sleep and so stuck with the £1 journey back on the Mega Bus

I had a good paper and some wasabi peas to keep me company. And I had a spare seat to dump my shit on

turns out I got stuck in traffic and was on the bus for about 6 hours. The only thing that made me feel better was that moz and jobber ended up paying about £60 each for their early dart home...

Alton Carnage

2007-08-29T18:53:00.000Z

the delay in update is largely due to me being in Cornwall for my brothers stag do and Scotland for my new job

being continued 'men' of leisure, me and S decided on a trip to Alton Towers

dc had come back from his air traffic control training down in Bournemouth so joined us. He even treated us to one of his trademark emo shots. he looks emotional

the weather was toilet

we didnt do too bad considering we abandoned the RAC route planner. our mild incompetence got us through

we thought they were giving poncho's away and so called the seller over from halfway across the carpark. then he slapped us with a £5 pricetag. not literally

after this go finished, we all confided that we were watching the same teen angel in a grey top. she was a hot prospect for the future

I was hoping the jet would be sprite (at worst 7UP) but alas it was still water. I got it in my mouth

this was the best picture I could get of AIR

to capitalise on how wet we were, we went on the wettest (and quietest) ride there and didn't actually get as soaked as expected. dc announced it was his favourite ride

we scoped a fat lazy women in a poncho reading in a chair. she genuinely would need to spaces on most rides

then after some food we went to the haunted house

most of the decor wasnt scary with the aid of flash photography

its like a shoot em up through the house. S clearly spotted he was losing and claimed he was shooting the wrong things. he beat me, but not dc

S looked like an unhappy disabled man on the swings

and dc was bizarrely scared of the swings. " I dont like any ride without a harness" was his justification. So he gave us an emo pose instead

this photo is of the rollercoaster: Rita- Queen of Speed, but I missed it cos its so quick. and I'm shit

after Rita, we tore some Dino Derby in us. The child in charge of the game was a bit retarded

me and dc played

I didnt do too badly ( I was Dino 1)

then onto Hex

dreamy

it wasnt scary, just disorientating

we went on Oblivion a few times

missed opportunity no.2

submission made S go the colour of puce. dc closed his eyes so made the ride pointless for him

missed opportunities no.3

the girl got her tongue stuck on her poncho button

dc wouldnt go on this one either. It was scary, but mainly from a health & safety perspective

this was pinball wizard. I would have shown you what it looks like, but why abandon my niche?

it was the biggest queue (or as tolstoy says 'que') which was a bit odd. it even had a little game alongside the 'que' to keep people occupied

if you got a hole in one on this, you won a car

dc said it had rained so much that the go-kart track had flooded

shotgun home was decided in a game of 'find my car'. I couldnt be happy, and allowed my competitiveness to get the better of me so I found it myself

hometime

weather started to clear up when we left. It was a clear case of CBH

dc had a catnap

I got my lech on in the service station with a slavic girl

'that smells like rotting flesh!' (Heavy Weekend: 4/4)

2007-08-24T15:59:00.000Z

the morning after and we went looking for scouse marc. He was nowhere to be seen-we knocked on his van and he was sleeping in the back like a gypsy

this is his toilet

everyone left bar me gilkes and pove so we had some roast chicken and banter

I wasnt enjoying the czech cheap lager everyone was on

Gilkes left it too late to get back tonite and started to shit himself that he was gonna get sacked. He was getting a lift into the airport by Liz instead

pove was a bit dead and was hoping his bro Si would pick him up. That fell apart so he boozed with us (like he needs encouraging!)

talking of dead, he gave us a good impression of Anthony H Wilson

I impressed everyone with my spanish for where is the disco, coupled with Moz's little red corvette dance

it was nice in Rammo but we were too busy boozing

we got a taxi to the Hare & Hounds

luckily no small talk was involved, otherwise I would have feigned sleep

good restaurant

much banter was had

there was a reason for this photo, but I dont remember

Gilkes kept farting. Such was the stench, that liz felt the need to move to a seperate room

it had reached mike by this time, but not the couple playing on the quizzer

I thought it smelt like death

this was the couple on the quizzer- they moved that far away from the quizzer, such was the stench

mike tried to explain that it wasnt him, I dont know if they believed him or not

poves reaction tells its own story

I used a lot of sign language this weekend-most of which made pove piss himself. this one seems to be the intercourse one

my throat was on fire all weekend so Gilkes took a photo to diagnose me

bandwagon

bromance

disco dave

as a treat I let him sport my cowboy boots. In return I had wear his pair of shitflickers

next pub

controversy

think gilkes was trying to rescue his job

we talked about religion and carnage, but tightened up shortly

darn in one!!! darn in one!!!

I stumbled down the high street for some cash

slow week at the Bury Times

chinese was bought- I got beef green peppers (ugh) and black bean sauce with extra onions

pove got sweet n sour i think

A Licky Boom Boom Down (Heavy Weekend: 3/4)

2007-08-20T11:43:00.000Z

the next day I had my brothers BBQ to attend. I rang Pove up and he was in a sorry state so I picked him up

he was a bit grim. much much worse than me. I suggested we pop into The Railway in Ramsbottom to see how he coped with a pint. He struggled so much that I beat him AND he gave me the remainder of his pint. I have to tell you reader that my day peaked right there

Pove had the shakes (quelle surprise) but was more concerned about keeping his shades on. His eyes were reminscent of Danny in Withnail & I

Bagnall & his other half Sue. Affectionately known by him as 'mucker'. He was gulping cider, but it looked more like Irn Bru to me

'team sleaze'

Sam soon turned up with his other half

this is her (I'm not sure who took the photo- either Walshy or Bagnall)

controversial

this shot was orchestrated by Bagnall and his missus in a sort of Hindley/Brady partnership.Sue took a picture of Walshy in order to get a revealing picture in the background.It is good craft like this that Tolstoy would have been proud of

mike's work crew shifted out into the Coronation St style alley

me and Bagnall mixed light banter with light flashing.However my camera work is so poor that the 'nipslip' is barely caught

this is Diane, from 'yakshir'. She got destroyed in a very Yorkshire way

mike's music was going down well. I was too busy tanking the cans in a vain attempt to keep up with Pove to take these shots though. Credit has to go to Mr Walsh for a good 50% of this entries snaps

I've got no idea what she was dancing to, but I'm gonna say it was Freek Me by Another Level

meanwhile Diane was getting-as they say in yakshir- 'reet drunk'

luckily Mike was at hand to slug his red wine and elp diane from hitting table ou fallin ower

She wor properly 'ammered

sam and kay left- Sam wasn't boozing cos he had been hammering it all week

Gilkes (I believe) went out and about with the camera for a scope. Some were outside witnessing Diane spewing-shame because she seemed sound enough

he got some covert snaps in

game over

I got into some scrapes with Gilkes and cut both of my elbows

emotion

mike seemed to pepper his music mix with songs that sent Pove into some sort of Indie Breakdown

Gilkes wore my Sharpe jacket again and managed to rip a button off in a moment of homoerotic posing

luckily my dire camera skills saved you from seeing a mans sexual organ to the left of this picture. Pove joined the Sharpe Jacket Club-maybe I should set up a facebook group for members

Scouse Marc made a very understated appearance at the bbq

so did Liz's brother

after a while the crew was mobilised and went off for some karaoke carnage

Liz was destroyed and gave a sulky Alan Partridge style look to some people leaving the pub. I had to endure Mr Gilkes exposing himself for a good portion of the walk there

when we got there mike had beaten us-he'd gotten a lift from P Bags and mucker

Asleep? Or choosing a song?

Me and Bagnall sang a breathtaking version of Snow's 'Informer'. There is video footage but I am yet to upload it to youtube. It basically consists of us singing only one line throughout the whole song- 'A Licky Boom Boom Down'. He also insisted that I sat on his knee whilst he bobbed me up and down for the whole song. I think it added to the performance because Ramsbottom seemed blown away

Gilkes gave us his trademark rendition of 'Jolene'

This man/women gave us an insight into unisex hairstyles in the 1980's. I gave Bagnall the camera to work his magic whilst I concentrated on Cheeky Vimto's

his work was largely cleavage based

true romance

mike hit the mic

anthony did Usher. Me and Bagnall did 'hit me with your rhythm stick' but I was too pissed and didnt know any of the words. During our performance, repressed locals peppered it with cries of 'fucking homosexuals' and 'queers'. I wasn't even dressed androgynously so they should be grateful I saved their blood pressure

more of the bagnallian oeuvre

caught

I became transfixed on this game for a while, but only worked out who was playing the morning after

the bar ran out of Blue WKD's so the barmaid offered to make me a 'surprise cocktail'. All I know is, it tasted of wrong and contained a lot of white wine

Gilkes hit the sambuca rounds a lot and burnt out his card. He also bit into my sunburnt arm, so I responded by biting his finger to the bone. Things got a little crazy

hometime

on our return, me and Walshy ate rice from the pan with our hands like little African kids

before bed, I went for a scope and saw these two outside- Scouse Marc was contemplating sleeping outside in the rain

Andy Townsend (Heavy Weekend: 2/4)

2007-08-14T19:19:00.000Z

So after getting back home, me and S trudged our way into alty to get the bus into town. Jobber was to meet us there, but me and S were feeling pretty knackered by the time we got to the bus station

luckily a picture of Garth Crooks made me perk up a bit on the bus

it was Sarah's 21st, so she decided to spend it with us in South. You can't really tell from this photo though

this one is better. I still have not managed to to fully capture the whole of 'South' on the ceiling. I think that is because I am a shit photographer

these two had been to Alton Towers for Sarah's birthday. Martyn looked like he'd caught the sun

It was a toss up between 42's and here, but Golds sold it to us by saying he was bringing some girls from work

we got in dangerously early. Still £5 in though

the two women were doing their usual lesbonic dancing to an empty club until some drunk clowns came up for a bit of banter. Think they were barking up the wrong tree though...

I gave the camera a look of contempt that would rival S

it did start to get busier

we stuck on the cans of XXXX

there was still no golds though. S and jobber switched onto dark rum and cokes. I was being a good boy cos I had a bbq to attend the next day and didnt wanna be battered in the morning

finally Golds arrived. with no women, he brought a sausage fest along instead- a couple of his disgruntled mates from work

this bird either had a large arse, or shouldn't be wearing those kind of dresses. We couldn't work it out

they announced on the dancefloor that Tony Wilson/Anthony H Wilson had died. I wasn't that arsed though- he was rude to me once when I had to serve him and his teen angel daughter in Mobberley

golds was properly fucked

but he still got his sleaze on. She looked pretty sound, albeit as leathered as him

on the dancefloor, someone mistook Martyn for industrious midfielder, Andy Townsend...

this man couldn't be happy though

jobber got covered in drink like a big spaz. Again

I got two birds scoping me, but was too sober to do anything. One of them was a mature as well, but the semi-validation was enough for me

Meanwhile, Golds was lone wolfin' it- but he was too drunk to be successful and was pinging about like a pinball on the dancefloor

more spillage

I left early to check Golds hadn't run off, but he was ok. He forgot to get some girls number after being a bit rapey and then tried to kiss Martyn. Sarah wasn't happy and chased him up and down the road. All in all, a night low on carnage & banter really

Third installment of the weekend to follow in a few days